Day 11

Something people compliment you on often
Is it bad that I can't think of much. About myself anyways? Maybe its my low self esteem. I'm not sure. But the thing that came to mind was my children. How cute they are. How well behaved Izze is. How smart she is. I guess I can take the credit for half of her looks, and most of her behavior, her brains are partially me and partially her dad. Caden gets he's cute a lot, noone compliments his behavior. LOL. Hmmm.
Other then my children; I really can't think of anything else I get compliments on. I need to work on this I guess

Day 2

Something I love about myself.
I told you this would be harder. I love a lot of things about my life (my job, my family, my friends), but about myself, thats difficult. I wish I could say I love my body. I'm working on that, even when I got to where I wanted it, I didn't quite master that before I let it go.
I think that I'm a generous person. I get that from my mom. I can't be as generous as her, because well I'm a little bit more poor. But I try to follow her lead. I try to help friends when they are in true need, I try to do nice things for people for no reason and I try to share what I have when I can.
Now sometimes this isn't noticed by others (and thats okay because thats not the point) and sometimes people might think quite the opposite. For example; my AWESOME group of friends is also very generous and likes to celebrate all of our new babies, we have a few girls who make quilts and other gifts and we are often asked to contribute to these. Often I am not able to participate, mostly because its a bad time. So I often wonder if these people think I'm being cheap (as I'm known to be). {do you notice something here? I'm worrying about what others think again...see day 1} But thats not the case, to me these gifts are nice; but they are just that a gift, and they are something that happens with or without my help. And I help when I can. So to them this may not seem like a trait of mine. But its there, I promise. It just happens when people aren't looking; when people DONT expect it; and when its something that truely makes my heart smile. Because those are the times that make it worth it.

Day 1

Something you hate about yourself.
Wow, so glad they started off on a positive note. I love that in a world where we work so hard to create self esteems of young girls and encourage self love, these kinds of things still fall to the negative first; my guess is that people can think of this one easily; or if they have trouble with it; its choosing between the many things. Where as day 2 will be a little more difficult.
But to the point; something I hate about myself.
I'm going with the first thing that comes into my mine. I hate how much I care about other peoples opinions. I hate that I worry if OTHERS think I look fat, I hate that I wonder if OTHERS think I have a stupid voice; and I worry that I wonder about OTHERS opinions when I try to make a decision that won't affect them.
I'm a people pleaser. I always have been; I probably always will be. When I was young I had to see a therapist for this. She found that my night terrors and anxiety all stemmed back to this fact. I had two homes and four parents who all expected very different things from me; and all I wanted to do was keep EVERYONE happy. So much so that I didn't know who I should be. I cared too much what OTHERS thought. I know this trait can be good; to an extent. But I take it over and beyond. I've gotten better at it. At least externally. Some may think I'm a "selfish" or a "me orientated" person. I put that show on; but at the end of the day I really am just worried about what everyone else thinks.
I dont know how to change that completely. I can keep it internal but I don't know how to extinguish it completely. If someone told me to; well I'd probably pretend I did just to keep them happy....because thats what I do :-)

Lets give them something to talk about...

I found this on a friends site and think it seems fun. I will aim at every day though we all know LIFE happens; so every day may become every other day on occasion and you will just deal with it. Like right now; my plan is to start, but in a few minutes my friends will be arriving; so wether it gets posted tonight or tomorrow; we will just have to find out.

Day 1- Something you hate about yourself
Day 2- Something you love about yourself
Day 3- Something you have to forgive yourself for
Day 4- Something you have to forgive someone for
Day 5- Something you hope to do in your life
Day 6- Something you hope to never have to do
Day 7- Someone who has made your life worth living
Day 8- Someone who has made your life a living hell or treated you badly
Day 9- Someone you didn't want to let go but drifted from
Day 10- Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn't know
Day 11- Something people seem to compliment you on the most
Day 12- Something you never get compliments on
Day 13- A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days (write a letter)
Day 14- A hero that has let you down (write a letter)
Day 15- Something or someone you couldn't live without, because you've tried living without
Day 16- Something or someone you could definitely live without
Day 17- A book you've read that changed your views on something
Day 18- Your views on gay marriage
Day 19- What do you think of religion or what do you think of politics?
Day 20- Your views on drugs and alcohol
Day 21- (senerio) Your best friend got into a car accident and you got into an argument just an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22- Something you wish you hadn't done in your life
Day 23- Something you wish you had done in your life
Day 24- Make a playlist to someone and explain why you chose the titles. (post the titles, artist and letter to that person)
Day 25- The reason you believe you are still alive today
Day 26- Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, why? When?
Day 27- The best thing going for you right now
Day 28- What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29- Something you hope to change about yourself and why
Day 30- A letter to yourself. Tell yourself everything you love about you!

I'm S.A.D.

S.A.D
Seasonal Affect Disorder.
Sucks.
This has been my hardest winter to date. It could have something to do with me not taking my usual medicine. But when I tried, it made me sick :-( But I also think it could have to do with no "break". Last year I was able to make it through the winter with no medicine, because my medication came in the form of a VACATION to a warm sunny beach.
That short 8 day break from this bitter cold made the winter of it bearable. It made everything BEFORE the trip easy because there was a treat in site. The break gives you a renewed sense. Then the second half is bearable because the end is in site.
Kev keeps telling me that the end is in site. But I don't see it. And I need a break. I don't want to leave the house. I hate taking the kids to their activities (which usually we all enjoy), I hate grocery shopping (another thing I enjoy), I hate ANYTHING that requires me to leave my warm bed.
Kevin says we should move. That is not an option. If I couldn't leave my family for River Falls (70 miles), how would I move thousands of mile?
Vacations help, but unfortunately its not realistic for a teacher to leave for a week every January. Heck its frowned upon even on rare occasions. We have a week off for Christmas; but who wants to leave your kids at Christmas?! Or take the kids and have them miss all the parties.
So instead, I sit here and fester. I'm an angry little elf. And my poor husband just has to deal with it. I have to wonder what others do to help?

Daddy Dearest

I've posted on it before but I have to say it again. It must be nice to be the dad.

I'm naturally a bit of a selfish person and I'll admit it, but since having a family I've had to give that up.

I married a man who lets me be a bit selfish at times and is great with the kids. Honestly he's a GREAT dad and does a lot more then most. But at the end of the day he's still the dad.

The dad gets to go to work and come home. He gets himself dressed, leaves for work BY HIMSELF and the children are magically dressed and taken to daycare, by the time he comes home the children are magically there waiting.

The dad can work late and thats the mom's problem. If the mom wants to work late, who's problem is it? HERS. Never his.

The dad comes home and asks whats for dinner. The mom gets home, there is noone to ask that. Granted the dad in this house WOULD cook something for himself if nothing was waiting, STILL he gets to ask.

The dad isn't the one they want when they are sick.

The dads job is "more important" and thus the family has to take the back burner.

The dad, even the most helpful and kind dad, just has NO IDEA how easy they have it.

I've decided that there is one thing I want to be a bit selfish about again. And that's getting back in shape it consists of two things: having time in my day to work out and once a week I also want to watch Biggest Loser (live not DVRed) the rest of my show's I'll DVR, but this one, isnt the same that way.

It doesnt feel like much, yet tonight (mind you a night after I spent 2 hours up with a crying baby in the middle of the night), I'm forced to choose, do I get to watch Biggest Loser or do I get to go to the gym. I'm beyond annoyed. I'm beyond tierd. I'm just beyond.

So the next time someone ask's me: when does Kevin get to go on a mini-meetup with his friends like you do, I may just kick them in the teeth. Because guess what, when I get the chance to "be the dad" then he can surely have some free time and get away.

help me....

any suggestions are GREATLY appreciated :-)

http://becomingabetty.blogspot.com/

Tracking Progress

Well I started on my "diet" almost 11 weeks ago....

• I have lost 24 lbs.
  
• My pant size has dropped from a tight 14 to a 10
• Not so happily my boobs have shrunk as well 36DD to a 34C
• Dress size from a large to a medium

I started at the gym 8 weeks ago....

• from hardly being able to run 60 seconds/walk 90 seconds to a 20 minute straight run (Couch to 5k, I'm in the middle of week 6)
• 30 day shred level one not able to complete, maybe a 60% effort, to completing it and doing so with more "umph" then kevin
• chest press from 10 to 30lbs, leg press from 60 to 120lbs, thigh machine from 30-80lbs, and many more......

I started measuring "inches" two weeks ago....

• lost over 10 inches!

I am starting to feel GOOD! yeah me!

More on the insides

This parent stuff is really making me try to be a better me. I've made a new decision, I'm gonna do my best not to say anything about myself I wouldn't want to here my sweet ole' husband say. If he'd get his ass kicked for it, then I probably shouldn't say it either. Just as my dog's tail is his "mood o meter" I am gonna have my own "barametor" (thanks sara for the word) and I'm gonna call this my "talk-in-a-nice-way-that-kevin-wouldnt-get-throat-punched-for o meter." If poor Kev couldn't say it without being beat or at least cut off for a week, then I can't say it either.

Working on the insides.....

Self-esteem is such an interesting thing. Do you think its something you learn? Something you earn? Or something your given? I'd like to think babies come out with a whole lot of it. After all everything is pretty much about them. Then they are thrown into a life where they are set up to either use it or lose it and which they choose is largely influenced by those around them. I want my children to be strong and self confident. But believing what I do about self esteem, that means it has to start here with me. So, how do I teach my daughter to love herself, if I myself do not lead by example. According to the BMI index, I'm overweight; according to fashion magazines, I'm obese...but according to my husband I'm perfect. So which should I believe. From this day forward, I'm making a stronger effort to teach Izze what I think every young woman needs to know. You love yourself, not for your size or your hair color or your looks, but for WHO you are. If you want to change yourself you do it, but make sure you like who and what you become. My looks do not make me who I am, who I am is much deeper.

So as of today, I'm making a stronger effort to love myself. To like me, just the way I am. I will do my best to not let Izze here me insult myself, because then she will think its okay to insult herself. I will live my life loving myself as I hope she does one day. So today I start, on the outside I will be a confident and strong woman who loves myself no matter what, and each day, I'll work a little harder to get my inside to agree!

What food are you....

I was listening to K102 this morning and they had a poll position: If you were a food what food would you be, why. Well, my mind went to all the foods I love, but you can't be it just because you EAT it, you have to BE like it.

So I thought about it, and my favorite still works. I would be Buffalo Wings because: The majority of the time, I'm a spicy spicy girl. If you can't handle that and your worth it, I can be mild for you too. If you love me, you really love me, and if you don't, you really don't. I am what I am and there is no messing with that, so if you don't like it, deal with it and don't have me. However once you've had me and decide you like me....you can't get enough of me, you have to have me, and you have to have me a lot! I am great by myself, but if you add a little side dressing to me then I'm absolutely perfect!

So what food are you?

Just for me

I've found something for me. Or refound I guess. In highschool there was a teacher, Sister Julie. She was the BEST. She taught art and I LOVED that class and I loved her. My mother still has my art work framed in her basement. I was big into sketching and shading. I stopped. I dont know why. Sister was the only person who could give me constructive critisism without hurting my feelings. I miss that and her. Lately, I've been COMPELLED to draw. I watch Izze and I get this itch to sketch her. I'm not good, very out of practice but I was good once. I'm hoping if I keep trying eventually I will be good again. I'm so glad I've found something I can enjoy again. I enjoy scrapbooking but its more like work and its for others. This is for me. So I'll probably be sharing, because I like to share my work. Its much harder to draw someone you know well, and to capture them just right. I also think that drawing babies is hard. I have trouble capturing the baby look. Toddlers no problem. Either way I still believe if you don't have anything nice to say, dont say anything at all. Enjoy!

Skinny Witch

So, as I get home from work and go to the snack cuboard to have a snack, I find myself staring face to face with....myself. I thought maybe, a picture of me at a smaller size might be inspiring to look at when I get the munchies. I thought this might defer me from snacking on useless things, slow me down some, make a healthier choice, maybe NOT snack. But no, what I do is open up the cuboard to my Skinny Cecile and say "shut up....YOU used to eat whole bags of doritoes! YOU used to drink sugar pop like water! YOU were in sports. YOU were a highschooler. YOU have no idea what its like to carry extra weight just so you can create a child...SO YOU dont' have a say". I think the skinny witch in the cuboard is no longer serving its pupose. But hey, at least I have someone in there making sure noone steals my doritoes!