Blur

Its a amazing how fast the days can go. I don't know how in the world I have a daughter that is almost 2 years old. I have no idea how it seems like yesterday I was planning a cruise, but now its so far past that trip that there are not even tan lines left to reminise about.

I walk through the halls of the high school and remember the feeling of being that age, and how I thought my fight with my boyfriend was the end of the world. I dont FEEL much different though I know I am. I havent looked in the mirror and noticed how different I look. But when I see them in the -45 degree windchills with thier flip flops on and mini skirts, and the faces of 12 year olds, I realize they are not 12, they are 18. 18 year olds did not start looking younger, but I have started to look older.

I hear of someone calling in "drunk" to a job, and wonder did I EVER think it was okay to do that. I know that an 8am class in college was something that about killed me and I rarely made it to. I know that working in the group home I'd often sweet talk a freind into covering my shift so I could go down town. I thought life was so difficult.

I pass through these stages of my life: highschool, college, marriage, babies; and I dont feel as though they were that long ago. And then I realize, it was not yesterday that I visited River Falls for the first time with Katie to visit her sister and saw a movie for 1.50. That happend 12 years ago. It was not yesterday that I got in a pushing match with Jaime on the basketball court while cheering over who was right and who was wrong, that was 9 years ago! Or my first apartment and getting independence only to want to crawl back home and hide forever when watching the twin towers go up in flames. Or moving in with Kevin and learning how to budget for two instead of one. Or finishing college and planning a wedding and student teaching and working and hardly having time to breath. Or seeing the positive on the pregnancy test. Or going to the hospital and coming home with a CHILD.

How is it that one moment, the hardest or the best, can all of a sudden feel like an eternity but t our entire lives seem to go by in the blink of an eye.

Piss and moan

Work is kicking my ass, so I'm slacking here.....

Some updates:

Pissing in the potty was a FLUKE, aint happening again (Izze that is, I'm choosing to continue on with my good work of using the big girl potty)

Izze will not shut up or sit still. Fun words we say lately include: Assy (Sassy), Damma (damn it), uh hu, Tank YOU (telling YOU to thank her), and my favorite Bich (chip)

My car needs $400 worth of work, that I have decided would be better spent at Gymbo, Gap or Chipotle

Yes, a person could EASILY eat that much chipotle

My mother in law is the BEST. She took us on a mini shopping extravaganza and spoiled us rotton. We love being rotton.

Only 5 more days until I'm oldER

Just a tad over 2 weeks until GIRLS WEEKEND IN NASHVEGAS

My heart....

Well....I've calmed down some. Maybe because I am not forking over as much moola as I thought I was, maybe because I was home sick today enjoying the silence, maybe because its a NEW day, or maybe because it is not 10 degrees below zero anymore! Either way, I'm a much happier person.

But I'm a sadder mommy. My Izze girl crawled. I cheered for her, I clapped for her, and I sobbed for her (or me). The smallest milestones to the biggest all mean one thing: my baby is growing up. I swore my blog wouldn't be about Izze, since she has her own place, but I must say how I feel about this.

I swear two minutes ago, I was turning 25, I took a test on a whim, and BAMM baby on the way. 20 seconds later I find out we will be having a girl, 40 seconds after that I am having my first major surgery, to which I find a baby who is very messy, has a very crooked nose, and managed to steal my heart anyways, from that moment in time, I can not breath without feeling fear that I won't be able to protect her, joy that she is mine, and sorrow that its all going so fast. On to minute two. 40 seconds ago she was going to day care, and I was sobbing that I had to leave her, 30 seconds ago she started eating REAL food, 20 seconds ago she was sleeping in her own room without me, and to the present she is crawling and getting into EVERYTHING.

I live my life wondering if the next moment will ever be here, every thing I watch her do takes on a life and time of its own. When I hear that sad sob and the call "mama", my heart breaks and I feel like I've been living that moment forever, and it will never end. When she giggles, the world smiles, the lights shine brighter, the stars twinkle faster, and my mind spins into bliss, it is the best 3 second laugh in the world. But in those moments, time stands still. So why, when those seconds past, and those minutes, days, weeks and months, do you feel like they went so fast? I don't know. I don't know if my heart will ever be strong enough to be a mom, but its being forced to. It is the most amazing title in the world, and if I'm never known as anything else....that will be okay with me.

A Blur

Wow, only 3 posts this month. I guess the holiday craziness will do that to you! The fact that life has been nothing but run run run. No rest for the wicked type thing. I feel like I'm always going and I have no idea where everything went. My brain thinks something I did weeks ago was yesterday and things I did yesterday either never happened or happend weeks ago. I'm back to the stage of immediate post partum, where nothing makes sense and everything is a blur. I'm ready for that to be done....maybe after the weekend.