Day 3

Something you have to forgive yourself for.
This brings me back to the long list of things I hate about myself. I can certainly hold a grudge, but usually I don't hold them against myself. I'm torn here between two things I need to forgive myself for.
The first one may seem petty to some; but I'm seriously disappointed in myself. I reached my goal weight and instead of practicing self control, ate peanut butter eggs until I put half of it back on. How sad is that; 15lbs of peanut butter eggs. Disgusting! Its a lot harder the second time to get it back off. Its hard to get back into habits and every time I get dressed in the morning I'm reminded of how annoyed I am at myself that my cute size 6 clothes don't fit, that my 8's are too tight and I am now wearing a 10. Frustrating.
The second thing, is heavier on my heart. Its part of my whole separation anxiety with Caden. I think back to when he was born; and how easily I was persuaded to stay in Faribault to recover from my section when they took him to Childrens. Why, because I love my doctor but MOSTLY because, I'm cheap, and I couldn't stop thinking of how much extra it would cost for me to take an ambulance up to the cities. There were a few other reasons I let them convince me and they turned out to be invalid concerns. But money was the biggest. Hindsight is 20/20 because his helicopter trip and hospital stay were enough to use up our max spending, so mine wouldn't have made a difference. So instead I spent 48 hours without him. Then when I got there; because I was recovering from a c-section; I choose to go home at the end of the night and sleep in my bed instead of on that horrendous brick couch. Looking back; they surely would have sent him home a day earlier if I had just stayed, or fought for him in some way, but because I didn't they probably though I was a shitty ass mother. And honestly; now I feel like one. Did I mention how the first two days he was there, he didn't have a first name. I'm sure that made them think he was even less loved. It wasn't the case, but I know how it looks. Your probably thinking that I'm worrying what others think again; and no I really could give a shit less what they thought of me; all I care is that they didn't let me take my baby boy home even once he was well, they wanted to watch me with him another full 24 hours. Its my biggest regret, not that he had to stay, just that I didn't fight to be with him that week.

Tracking Progress

Well I started on my "diet" almost 11 weeks ago....

• I have lost 24 lbs.
  
• My pant size has dropped from a tight 14 to a 10
• Not so happily my boobs have shrunk as well 36DD to a 34C
• Dress size from a large to a medium

I started at the gym 8 weeks ago....

• from hardly being able to run 60 seconds/walk 90 seconds to a 20 minute straight run (Couch to 5k, I'm in the middle of week 6)
• 30 day shred level one not able to complete, maybe a 60% effort, to completing it and doing so with more "umph" then kevin
• chest press from 10 to 30lbs, leg press from 60 to 120lbs, thigh machine from 30-80lbs, and many more......

I started measuring "inches" two weeks ago....

• lost over 10 inches!

I am starting to feel GOOD! yeah me!

Pat thy self on thy back

I haven't blogged about it much. Partly because I'm a bad blogger, partly because every time I did I failed.

BUT I've been on track for just over 6 weeks now and have lost 19.5 lbs!!!! So I'm pumped. My first few weeks, I didn't do much for exercise, all diet....thanks to my surgery and such. But since April started I've been to the gym at LEAST 3 times a week.

I'm working on the couch to 5k program. Because I enjoy intervals. And as much as I HATE it and am horrible at it, I've always wanted to be a runner. I've finished the first two weeks and am contemplating the third. (Do I start now or take another day at week 2).

Anyways, just needed to give myself a little public pat on the back :-)

Cheating only hurts me

This sucks. Due to my fall down the stairs workingout out was PAINFUL so i didnt. and between that and the christmas cookies, I fell into a bad pattern this week. And I PAID for it.



162 this morning



I thought about not posting but honestly, that wouldn't help, its embarassing to post it, so maybe that will stop me from being a loser again.



This journy is gonna be a hard one, last year I had a timeline, I wanted to do it by the cruise, the deal was I had to earn the cruise and granted we payed for it ahead of time, and I knew we'd go even if I didnt earn it, i WORKED to earn it. This time, i dont have that beautiful prize.



Its totally depressing and I have no idea HOW to lite that fire under my arse

Week 2

159.5

Down another 2 this week! YAY. And that was a lazy week. This week I'm gonna try to get a good work out in 5 of the 7 days and see how I can do!

Weekly Weigh in!

Its Monday morning......

and the results are in!

161.5

WOOOOT

thats a loss of 3.5 lbs! YAY FOR ME!

Wish me luck

Its time....

The first week of November I made a work out chart and did nothing but pay attention to my bad eating habits and my lack of movement. I did stop buying junk food but I continuted to eat was in the house.

Last week, I actually POSTED the chart on the junk cuboard the day we were officially OUT of junk food. I managed a work out every other day and the days I did not work out I did things such as shoveling the driveway. As for food, I didnt snack, and I tried to behave in my meals, I didnt count calories, I wanted to see how I could do without it. One step at a time, once I'm used to the workouts, I'll add the calorie counting.

I will weigh in on Monday. My starting weight was 165. Tomorrow I will tell you my progress.

I'm hoping there is some, but even if the scale doesnt move. I DID manage to wear my non maternity jeans, so thats a step!!!

2 more weeks!

Only two weeks left until cruising! And guess what, I met my goal 2 weeks early! I've lost 22lbs and feel CONFIDENT in my bikini! Wooooot! I've decided to extend my goal to lose another 10-15 by summer. The best part of that is I'm currently in my smallest clothes, and if I lose any more, I get to go SHOPPING!!!!!

Kevin claims he has a new wife all the time, mostly due to my changing hair color. But this time its a combination!

Back to brunette, down 20+lbs, and not pasty white! LOVIN IT!

Proud Moment

In the past 8 weeks, I have lost.................................





15 pounds!


I am sooo freaken excited and proud of myself, I can hardly stand it! I've still got a ways to go, but I am liking myself a WHOLE lot better right now!

Oh what spreadsheets can do.....

Last year I made a goal that I gave up on. I lost 10lbs and quit. It took me almost 5 months to do that too! This year I reset my goal, rethought it, worked it out in a spreadsheet and am actually sticking to it. 5 weeks in I'm already down another 11! I know I'm never gonna be a size 4 like HS or a buck twenty but here are some realistic goals I've set for myself.

This is about 16 lbs away from where I am....and size 8


Top one is the same as above, but the swimsuit picture would be only 10lbs less then I am now! WOOT!

Boys, can't live with em, can't get rid of them

So I LOVE my husband. He is probably one of the sweetest most sincere men I know. So when I tell you what he just said to me you will think one of three things. #1 He is sooo sweet and accepting, #2 He's not really good at the women language or #3 What the fuck was that moron thinking! And you are probably right.

I inform him that I have gained 5 lbs despite my work out efforts. Instead of saying no worries, you'll get back on track this is what I hear.

"Honey, I think you look great, and realisticly I dont see you LOSING any more, you'll probably just flucuate losing and gaining this 5 lbs for the rest of your life, so why not just LOVE yourself the way I love you, just the way you are"

While he worded it quite eloquently, I am female and there was NO good way to say that to me!

But the fact that he thinks I CANT do something, makes me feel the need to do it THAT MUCH MORE. Now I just have to figure out HOW.

FATTY TICKER

Just so I'm a little more accountable.....

Shopping 101

Its amazing what a trip to the store can do to ones self esteem. In my case, the actual shopping experience itself was both positive and negative. I didn't feel strapped in the wallet, so I felt I could splurge a little, which makes the trip mucho fun. Also, I was shopping with my step mother, who is also TONS of fun. I found some really cute stuff....again...fun. However, then you head to the dressing room. And you think, okay, I'm down 10.5 pounds, that must be AT LEAST one size. So you try on the pants and they don't fit :-( What the heck---that hurts. It made me mad, so NO pants for me*. However, the shirt, I did go down in a size, another GREAT part of my shopping trip. So I stocked up on new shirts. The effects of shopping do not end there. You then have to show everyone who enters your house all of your new shirts. Then you have to find them the special home in the closet, where they get to be placed BETTER then the old clothes--poor old clothes, your demoted. Then comes the time to wear them, and you feel like a million bucks. But what happens when noone NOTICES? Downer. But then alas, someone does notice, and you again smile. Oh the stress of the shopping experience.


*The good news, thier pants must have been sized differently because I came home and tried on some old "pre preggo and then some" pants and they FIT. Wooot!

The waiting game

Isn't this all life is really? A big fat waiting game. We wait for nine months to get here. Once we are here, we wait to reach our milestones; sitting, crawling, walking. Then we wait to be "big enough." Once we are big enough we wait to go out on our own. We get out on our own and we wait to find that someone who will be our other half. We find them, we wait for them to realize we are their "someone." We wait for our weddings, our careers, our babies. We do it in all different orders, but we do it. We wait. Those are the big things.

Then there are the mundane things. The not so important things but the things we will wait for anyways. We wait for the food to thaw, we wait for the oven to preheat, we wait for the light to turn, we wait for doctors to see us, we wait for our boss to give us a raise, we wait for the dog to pee so we can end our walk, we wait for the alarm to go off to start it all again.

Then there is the WEIGHT we wait for. To come off that is. Thats a LONG weight with lots of work. I hate that wait the most. Thats the wait that got me thinking. If I had money would I have to wait? Money helps us skip these waiting moments. But then, if we do skip them, what do we have? Because as I said, isn't life really about the wait?

Feeling good about.....

ME!

I'm no where near my goal. But I'm on my way. I've managed to lose enough weight in the last few weeks that I can finally SEE the difference! How much do you love it when your husband starts singing to your daughter "Mommys getting Sexy Back." I know he never thought it was gone but the fact that he noticed the small change makes it a much bigger change so yeah for a noticable difference.

Then there is the dreaded exercise. I hate it. But I'm doing it and they are right, the more you do it, the better you feel, so the more I do it! Love that! I went to water aerobics for the first time ever and it kicked my ass. The work out was fine but when I was laying in bed last night I turned into Gumby the rubber man. So my new goal, to do water aerobics until I'm the one kicking its ass!

And lastly the eating. Its a day at a time thing. I have a notebook where I write what I eat. I can't lie in there, and I am doing good. But noone else sees it. So I'm making a chart, like a kid who goes potty. I'm putting the big fat chart on the fridge and when I do good and make it a whole day without cheating I'm getting a sticker. And you bet your ass I'll work for my sticker, because thats just the kind of girl I am. Maybe I can have a competetion....I can see if I can get more stickers then my kid brother does for his potty chart. That sounds great......Cecile is taking on the 5 year old....Your going down kid!

So thats all for now....just haning out with a smile on my face and feeling good about me!

My Goal

It helps to set a goal....so here is mine, and seeing it ON me makes it that much more attainable. To earn a cruise, I need to do it in a year.....
I can do it.


From this (after Izze)



To something more like this (before Izze):



Or better than that if I can....we will see!

I CAN do it!

Will Power

Some days you just have it, some days it goes missing. I've done very good for a while. But when I'm not being held accountable I let it slide. When I write down all of my activities and all the foods I eat and I know someone will look at that, I DO IT and I do well. I don't lie. When I am not writting it down, I lie to myself, if I eat skittles 10 times a day but only a handful at a time, it must not count. So, today I am starting to try harder with small steps and that means being accountable even if its only out here in cyber land. One day at a time.....Today I did 30 minutes of aerobics and I wrote down EVERYTHING I ate. No lies......one day down, the rest of my life to go.......

Happy New Year to You!

Happy New Year to Us All!

I hate making resolutions because I never keep them. I find it unrealistic to put that pressure and decision based upon one day! So none for me this year. Kevin and I did however decide to make healthier life choices and get some of our baby weight off. Yes I meant OUR. I am back at Weight Watchers and its worked for me before so I am hopeful. For my ten percent goal Kev has offered to buy me some new clothes when I reach it, and for my "lifetime goal" I'm working for a CRUISE! Yeah! It seems like forever since our last one. So if I make my goal, we are going on a cruise in 2008. So sorry 2007, what a great greeting to you, but I want you outta here!

My baby will be one this year. Thats just amazing. It seems like yesterday it was 2005, and we were looking at a pregnancy test to see if I was losing it or if there really were two lines! And now she is already such a big girl! Oh the changes a year makes!

I'm so grateful for this past year, and I'm looking forward to a new one! Much love to you all!

Skinny Witch

So, as I get home from work and go to the snack cuboard to have a snack, I find myself staring face to face with....myself. I thought maybe, a picture of me at a smaller size might be inspiring to look at when I get the munchies. I thought this might defer me from snacking on useless things, slow me down some, make a healthier choice, maybe NOT snack. But no, what I do is open up the cuboard to my Skinny Cecile and say "shut up....YOU used to eat whole bags of doritoes! YOU used to drink sugar pop like water! YOU were in sports. YOU were a highschooler. YOU have no idea what its like to carry extra weight just so you can create a child...SO YOU dont' have a say". I think the skinny witch in the cuboard is no longer serving its pupose. But hey, at least I have someone in there making sure noone steals my doritoes!