I'm S.A.D.

S.A.D
Seasonal Affect Disorder.
Sucks.
This has been my hardest winter to date. It could have something to do with me not taking my usual medicine. But when I tried, it made me sick :-( But I also think it could have to do with no "break". Last year I was able to make it through the winter with no medicine, because my medication came in the form of a VACATION to a warm sunny beach.
That short 8 day break from this bitter cold made the winter of it bearable. It made everything BEFORE the trip easy because there was a treat in site. The break gives you a renewed sense. Then the second half is bearable because the end is in site.
Kev keeps telling me that the end is in site. But I don't see it. And I need a break. I don't want to leave the house. I hate taking the kids to their activities (which usually we all enjoy), I hate grocery shopping (another thing I enjoy), I hate ANYTHING that requires me to leave my warm bed.
Kevin says we should move. That is not an option. If I couldn't leave my family for River Falls (70 miles), how would I move thousands of mile?
Vacations help, but unfortunately its not realistic for a teacher to leave for a week every January. Heck its frowned upon even on rare occasions. We have a week off for Christmas; but who wants to leave your kids at Christmas?! Or take the kids and have them miss all the parties.
So instead, I sit here and fester. I'm an angry little elf. And my poor husband just has to deal with it. I have to wonder what others do to help?

I'm sooo sorry Monet

I am feeling so horribly sad and guilty and angry right now. My sweet perfect Monet passed away this afternoon. I left her outside to play for a few hours as I always do. And when I went out to bring her in (ironically to take her to the vet) she was laying on her back legs in the air like she does when she's playing. I ran to her and she was warm, and she moved in my arms, but did not respond; now that my hysteria has calmed I know she was already gone when I found her. I drove as fast as I could to the vet. By the time I reached the parking lot rigor mortis had set in and I knew I had lost her.

The very kind vet assured me that even had I found her sooner there was nothing I could have done. He said it was likely a heart attack or seizure (possibly caused by heatstroke). And by the time I noticed the symptoms at her size she would be gone. But there is a part of me that says I AM to blame. I could have kept her INSIDE today and this may not have happened. I could have went to get her an hour sooner and she may have at least been with me if it was something unavoidable. Hindsight is 20/20.

She was only 5. She was the PERFECT pet. She never complained. She never barked, she let the kids maul her and she loved nothing more then the crinkle of the ham package. She was moms "favorite" and we were kindred spirits. She was a lazy girl just like me, but she managed to do it with spunk. She wasn't just a pet (my rabbit and fish are my pets) she was my baby and the favorite furbabie I had. If I could only have one animal in my entire life it would be her and I lost her much to soon.

Monet, I'm so sorry!

Daddy Dearest

I've posted on it before but I have to say it again. It must be nice to be the dad.

I'm naturally a bit of a selfish person and I'll admit it, but since having a family I've had to give that up.

I married a man who lets me be a bit selfish at times and is great with the kids. Honestly he's a GREAT dad and does a lot more then most. But at the end of the day he's still the dad.

The dad gets to go to work and come home. He gets himself dressed, leaves for work BY HIMSELF and the children are magically dressed and taken to daycare, by the time he comes home the children are magically there waiting.

The dad can work late and thats the mom's problem. If the mom wants to work late, who's problem is it? HERS. Never his.

The dad comes home and asks whats for dinner. The mom gets home, there is noone to ask that. Granted the dad in this house WOULD cook something for himself if nothing was waiting, STILL he gets to ask.

The dad isn't the one they want when they are sick.

The dads job is "more important" and thus the family has to take the back burner.

The dad, even the most helpful and kind dad, just has NO IDEA how easy they have it.

I've decided that there is one thing I want to be a bit selfish about again. And that's getting back in shape it consists of two things: having time in my day to work out and once a week I also want to watch Biggest Loser (live not DVRed) the rest of my show's I'll DVR, but this one, isnt the same that way.

It doesnt feel like much, yet tonight (mind you a night after I spent 2 hours up with a crying baby in the middle of the night), I'm forced to choose, do I get to watch Biggest Loser or do I get to go to the gym. I'm beyond annoyed. I'm beyond tierd. I'm just beyond.

So the next time someone ask's me: when does Kevin get to go on a mini-meetup with his friends like you do, I may just kick them in the teeth. Because guess what, when I get the chance to "be the dad" then he can surely have some free time and get away.