My heart....

Well....I've calmed down some. Maybe because I am not forking over as much moola as I thought I was, maybe because I was home sick today enjoying the silence, maybe because its a NEW day, or maybe because it is not 10 degrees below zero anymore! Either way, I'm a much happier person.

But I'm a sadder mommy. My Izze girl crawled. I cheered for her, I clapped for her, and I sobbed for her (or me). The smallest milestones to the biggest all mean one thing: my baby is growing up. I swore my blog wouldn't be about Izze, since she has her own place, but I must say how I feel about this.

I swear two minutes ago, I was turning 25, I took a test on a whim, and BAMM baby on the way. 20 seconds later I find out we will be having a girl, 40 seconds after that I am having my first major surgery, to which I find a baby who is very messy, has a very crooked nose, and managed to steal my heart anyways, from that moment in time, I can not breath without feeling fear that I won't be able to protect her, joy that she is mine, and sorrow that its all going so fast. On to minute two. 40 seconds ago she was going to day care, and I was sobbing that I had to leave her, 30 seconds ago she started eating REAL food, 20 seconds ago she was sleeping in her own room without me, and to the present she is crawling and getting into EVERYTHING.

I live my life wondering if the next moment will ever be here, every thing I watch her do takes on a life and time of its own. When I hear that sad sob and the call "mama", my heart breaks and I feel like I've been living that moment forever, and it will never end. When she giggles, the world smiles, the lights shine brighter, the stars twinkle faster, and my mind spins into bliss, it is the best 3 second laugh in the world. But in those moments, time stands still. So why, when those seconds past, and those minutes, days, weeks and months, do you feel like they went so fast? I don't know. I don't know if my heart will ever be strong enough to be a mom, but its being forced to. It is the most amazing title in the world, and if I'm never known as anything else....that will be okay with me.